This short story is a (longer) work of fiction, not a short blog post. You can also download the e-reader version here.

They say organized group travel is the worst way to explore a new country, but there is power in numbers. Claire got us six girls (Belle, Claire, Mary-Lou, Winnie, Josie and Dixie, yours truly) from the Canine Crochet Club ("We crochet dogs, so you don't have to") spectacular discounts for our trip to China from the petite travel agent next to the Hobby Lobby off the I-80. The travel agent was something of an Asian bent herself, so we felt it would be more secure to book with her.

 Confusingly, as it turns out, there are two Chinas! We picked the smaller one, hoping for a more ethnic experience, and were pleasantly surprised to learn that flights were cheap, but a back-breaking eighteen hours long. Why is Asia so far?

With all the excited yakking, we did not get much crocheting done the Friday before our departure. As a bunch of typical Midwestern "Where's my Walmart at" gals, we were excited about the shopping but – I am not going to lie – a bit worried about food situation. Apparently, they have enough of it in Taiwan, but Claire had read some hair-raising stories on the internet about bird's nest soup and fermented soybeans, so we decided to pack as many cup-a-noodles as we could. Determined as I was to try some of the local dishes, I also packed a pint of Pepto-Bismol and a wholesale box of Tums. Yolo, am I right?

As it turns out, these two Chinas don't like each other very much, one being Communist and the other one just plain Asian. The one we landed at was, as it turned out, the smaller, quaint anti-communist one called Taiwan, and boy, do they love good old-fashioned capitalism! Shops everywhere, and even an honest-to-God Starbucks. Our minivan driver did not speak any normal language and we suspected he just saw us as a bunch or plump, rich Americans ripe for the picking, but at the hotel we found out we only paid two dollars each for the trip and got correct change. Go Taiwan!

Day One.  Breakfast was – surprise – just like home: coffee, corn flakes, eggs, bacon and toast. Apparently, we are not so different after all. There were some funny steaming pots and trays in the corner, but they smelled a bit too "adventurous" for us Midwestern galls on our first day. We set out for our first destination: a Palace Museum, which was either a museum of palaces or just a very big museum.

The bachelor of our group, Belle,  is what my dad would have called a woman of a "certain age" but you wouldn't know it from the way she keeps seizing up the men here like a teenager at a barn dance. She keeps saying they are all quite short but you never know until you find out. Now, I am not one to gossip, but it we all knew Belle was determined to have what she called "an experience" while on vacation, and since she is six feet, about just as wide and has been single for two decades, we knew some poor Taiwanese man would end up climbing that big mountain pretty soon. Belle had her eye on our minivan driver, a nice man with peculiar red-and-black teeth who chewed on some kind of olives and addressed us all as "Honey", to his own delight.

The National Palace Museum has the most amazing gift shop you have ever seen. Vintage bottle openers and cute bookmarks from the old dynasties that ruled Taiwan years ago. The only sour note was that Belle had disappeared with our driver and our ride when we came out, so we had to take a local bus - quite an experience. Traffic in Taipei is crazy and while there are no rickshaws, little scooters zoom in and out from all sides. It was quite a ride.

Dinner at the hotel was corn soup, salad with raisins (!) and spaghetti, which surprised me until I learned from Claire (always the smart one) that Marco Polo had brought pasta with him when he set off from Italy to Peking thousands of years ago, introducing this versatile pantry staple to the curious and hungry people of China. No sign of Belle, who texted Claire that she was having dinner "somewhere else".

Day Two. Tummy trouble. Stayed in and had Pepto for lunch and dinner. Pink in and pink out. Oh, the sound and the fury.

Day Three. Woke up perky as a little bird and hungry as a prairie wolf. Belle had not yet returned so I used her breakfast coupon to double up on eggs and bacon.  I caught up with last night's gossip and learned that yesterday, while I was in bed with CVS on cable and washing down Tums with Pepto, the gals had been to a local eatery in a street called Snake Alley, where Elsie had been offered a shot glass of what she assumed was Jägermeister, but which turned out to be viper blood. After they had put her in a taxi and paid the restaurant a hefty fee for cleaning up Elsie's "accident", they decided to explore the area.

As it turned out, that snake street is smack in the middle of Taiwan oldest Red-Light district, with the "old" referring to both the buyers and the merchandise. Mary-Lou had wandered away from the group looking for a place to buy wet wipes and later texted Claire that she met an interesting older gentleman in the local CVS and would catch up with us "tomorrow".

As of this morning, Belle is absent and, according to her brief text "having a blast with Wang", whom I assume to be our driver. Mary-Lou is also missing but presumed to be safe with her older gentleman, since she replied to all our concerned queries with a blunt "Not now later?!"  Elsie had already gone to the airport to fly back home early, having  seen enough.

They say four days is not enough to see a whole country, but I beg to differ. We did it all with time to spare. Winnie, Josie and I found an amazing underground mall with discounted Indonesian crafts, a funny lunch restaurant where we were served rice and curry in miniature toilet bowls with pale cloudy yellow tea as a drink. Next it was back to bargaining with the locals for more "Made in China" local trinkets. Poor Winnie, our diabetic, needed to sit down because her ankles started swell up like water balloons, so we found a local Bukkake Café or something, where we drank frothy coffee whipped up by a smiling barista. Belle sent us a text we could not really decipher but which looked like "Amzing Slaying poWer". She and her driver must be going down some bumpy road. Dinner at the hotel. Corn soup, salad with raisins and spaghetti.

Day Four – our last day and to be honest, I am ready to get back home. There is only so much exotic stuff one can take. Breakfast was pancakes, bacon and eggs. Belle replied with a terse "fine" in response to our worried messages. Well, excuse us for caring!  Elsie had arrived safely in the USA and sent us a picture of the Cinnabon at the airport which made us all choke up a bit. There is no place like home!

Mary-Lou, her wet wipes and the older gentleman were in a bus to the south of Taiwan to see his mountain home. How that girl thinks she is going to make her flight home in only eight hours is beyond me. With only Josie and me left from the Canine Crochet Club (Winnie is laid up with ankles the size and color of an elephant's leg), we decided to go all out and walk to the mall to soak up the local experience one more time.

Did I tell you Taiwan has a tropical climate? When we stepped out of the lobby, it was as if someone slapped us in the face with a hot diaper. If someone needs a climate change, it is Taiwan. We made it to the traditional market which turned out to be across town, starved but unable to find lunch. There was enough food there – the Taiwanese are obviously not starving, no matter what you heard –there was just nothing to eat. The incredible stench of what we were told was Stinky Tofu (fried vomit, most likely) drove us back to the hotel with ample time to pack. Lunch at the hotel. Corn soup, salad with raisins and spaghetti.

On the flight home, Josie and I had the whole row of seats to ourselves because Belle and Mary-Lou had not shown up for the flight, and Winnie had been advised by a local doctor not to fly until she could move her legs again. Like world-weary explorers, we relived all of our amazing exotic experiences but agreed it was great to finally go home.

Comfortably stretched out across two seats, I enjoyed the refined luxuries of a real Taiwanese airline (free headphones!) and got two inflight meals (my own and Belle's). Traveling in style! Unfortunately, lunch was corn soup, salad with raisins and spaghetti again. Still, I will miss this Chinese food when I get back home.